If you feel malicious, you feel it for a reason. Now, you can tell the story of an individual beset by inescapable cruelty, or the one where people betray you, or even the one where circumstances tie you down and make you crazy. But ostensibly, if you feel malicious there is another way to tell the story. Another way to connect to that aspect of yourself which is coming out anyway!
What about if you found it something to do? It’s coming to the party and you have to entertain it somehow, if you ignore it or attempt to repress it, there will be toothpaste leaking all over the room because you can’t stop energy. You can’t train energy. You can’t manage energy. You can’t separate yourself from energy in any way that makes it external.
Where in your life is maliciousness not being given its full worth? Now is the time to consider your options. Once you’ve given up dissociating from yourself, you can start acknowledging how it serves you and only you. Figure out the real reason in keeps popping in. Make sure it has a room and feels welcome. This is not about letting it take over your house or be rude to the other guests. This is about knowing that if it is present it is here for a reason.
You are feeling it for a reason. How is it serving you? What would you like it to be doing in your life? How can you give it a different job to do so that it knows you value what it brings and it can feel welcome? It might sound ridiculous but if you can make a space for whatever configuration of idiosyncrasies you are, then life is less of a battle. You will have a troupe of servants lining up to do your bidding. If you curse and bemoan your servants they will still be in your employ just not as part of effective and efficient household. The job will still get done but alms no-one will have any fun doing it.
Knowing gets acknowledged or feels worthy, like they belong and what they bring is meaningful. No-one feels compelled to get along. No-one feels safe enough to be vulnerable and strong as they stand in their power since no-one even knows what that means. It’s a house and you might put a sign on the gate that says ‘happy’ or ‘functional’ or ‘rich’ or educated’ but inside, there is chaos.
Every unpredicted nudge is sending you over the edge into pains about what it means. How can I decode this latest disaster so I can avoid any unpredictable stuff in the future (because I know if i’m a good girl/boy the world will send me flowers and shiny new toys)?
This is the attitude that is killing the morale in your house. You relegate the aspects you don’t like, the ones you think are eating in your way to dungeons and granny flats where you don’t have to see them. And yet you can’t send them away any more than you can send away your blood or your genes. These are vital aspects of who you are. More than that, they are essential to your mission.
For some reason you have these aspects, these uncouth and unattractive parts for a reason. Until you welcome them in and give them a place in your life (and your heart) they will continue to be the unseen child, the malformed secret hidden away from the world (and your house will hate you for it).
How can maliciousness be loveable? What job could it possibly have in your life? Where does that kind of energy belong (and how do I even communicate with it now that i’ve spent most of my life using and abusing its power)? These are the questions you can start with. If maliciousness was working for me, what would it be doing?
Whatever configuration of crazy you are is perfect. How can you not just make peace with that but really step into it as your power rather than seeing yourself flourish despite it?