If you feel malicious, you feel it for a reason. Now, you can tell the story of an individual beset by inescapable cruelty, or the one where people betray you, or even the one where circumstances tie you down and make you crazy. But ostensibly, if you feel malicious there is another way to tell the story. Another way to connect to that aspect of yourself which is coming out anyway!
What about if you found it something to do? It’s coming to the party and you have to entertain it somehow, if you ignore it or attempt to repress it, there will be toothpaste leaking all over the room because you can’t stop energy. You can’t train energy. You can’t manage energy. You can’t separate yourself from energy in any way that makes it external.
Where in your life is maliciousness not being given its full worth? Now is the time to consider your options. Once you’ve given up dissociating from yourself, you can start acknowledging how it serves you and only you. Figure out the real reason in keeps popping in. Make sure it has a room and feels welcome. This is not about letting it take over your house or be rude to the other guests. This is about knowing that if it is present it is here for a reason.
You are feeling it for a reason. How is it serving you? What would you like it to be doing in your life? How can you give it a different job to do so that it knows you value what it brings and it can feel welcome? It might sound ridiculous but if you can make a space for whatever configuration of idiosyncrasies you are, then life is less of a battle. You will have a troupe of servants lining up to do your bidding. If you curse and bemoan your servants they will still be in your employ just not as part of effective and efficient household. The job will still get done but alms no-one will have any fun doing it.
Knowing gets acknowledged or feels worthy, like they belong and what they bring is meaningful. No-one feels compelled to get along. No-one feels safe enough to be vulnerable and strong as they stand in their power since no-one even knows what that means. It’s a house and you might put a sign on the gate that says ‘happy’ or ‘functional’ or ‘rich’ or educated’ but inside, there is chaos.
Every unpredicted nudge is sending you over the edge into pains about what it means. How can I decode this latest disaster so I can avoid any unpredictable stuff in the future (because I know if I’m a good girl/boy the world will send me flowers and shiny new toys)?
This is the attitude that is killing the morale in your house. You relegate the aspects you don’t like, the ones you think are eating in your way to dungeons and granny flats where you don’t have to see them. And yet you can’t send them away any more than you can send away your blood or your genes. These are vital aspects of who you are. More than that, they are essential to your mission.
For some reason you have these aspects, these uncouth and unattractive parts for a reason. Until you welcome them in and give them a place in your life (and your heart) they will continue to be the unseen child, the malformed secret hidden away from the world (and your house will hate you for it).
How can maliciousness be loveable? What job could it possibly have in your life? Where does that kind of energy belong (and how do I even communicate with it now that i’ve spent most of my life using and abusing its power)? These are the questions you can start with. If maliciousness was working for me, what would it be doing?
Whatever configuration of crazy you are is perfect. How can you not just make peace with that but really step into it as your power rather than seeing yourself flourish despite it?
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What if the universe had a plan for reciprocity to be bigger than the illusion of immediate exchange? Not that it’s an illusion and you’re being duped, just that it’s an illusion you have any idea what’s really going on when you exist in this moment as this expression in the same space with another being. Even the idea that ‘you’ and the other being are separate is crazy. You are more like pulsating points expanding and contracting all the out to All That Is and back again, like ice is water is steam as it spreads it’s density into thinner and thinner phases.
So, just as “I” am a constantly changing, unique configuration of aspects walking around as consciousness, there is no boundary that defines that consciousness or fixes those aspects. My gender is on a spectrum, my intelligence is a set of conditional abilities, my weight, my skin colour, my hair, everything about me is always moving, always changing, never constant.
Each morning, before I am fully awake to the boxes of what is inherent about me, I am all things and the possibilities are endless. As I move into definitions of myself there is a particular density to who I am that immediately begins to breathe with the universe as my consciousness plays in the world but not of the world.
What does this have to do with reciprocity?
Well, if I know and live from the point where life is happening for me, as me (not to me) then how I understand give-and-take is altered. There is no room for exchange in a world where “I” am not a fixed address. There is nothing to transfer when I have no storage or capacity for ownership in separation. It would be like asking someone to see their in-breath as evil and their out-breath as good, it’s impossible to know where one ends and the other begins because there is no line.
Whatever you are being asked to “be” in this moment is not an exchange of your energy to something outside of yourself. You are being asked to be you. You are being asked to be you in this space. You are being asked to be you in this moment as an expression of All That Is in a more condensed phase, and this density gives existence linear time and fun and love and all the variables you know as the whole when you tap into your God-self or the Infinite.
Reciprocity, from this place where life is not a test or a battle and you don’t need to change people to know peace and harmony, is simple. Do what you’re told. Be who you are. And know that this density is a privilege, not a curse.
You can still build refuges and save whales and become a politician and have babies and donate to charity and be kind. None of these things need to change when you know that reciprocity is not about giving or doing or changing anything. All of these things are part of doing your job. If you are called to an action it is your job and the world needs you to focus on doing your job as much as being who you are.
By doing your job from a place of non-judgement you are able to live without enemies or outcomes. Your immune system will flourish, your relationships are real, your career is in the moment, and other people are sacred expressions of All That Is that may never make sense on the level of exchange but you know in your heart that they are part of that universal reciprocity. You know that they are doing the best they can with what they have. You know that judging and reprimanding or punishing them is not going to lift their sense of who they are out of what they have been convinced of about themselves, and until someone knows they are safe, worthwhile and that their life has meaning, their experience is not one of inner peace.
When everyone knows that they are a gift, when we all feel loved (safe, worthwhile and meaningful) our ability to be in this moment focused on who we are here to be and the messages we receive about what to do now, then our experience as a planet will be different. The thing is, it’s not about going out on a crusade to make the world different. Knowing you are a gif and feeling loved is about being in this moment tuned to its perfection. You cannot be tuned to the perfection of this moment if you are focused on what you want to change.
Keeping track of give-and-take is impossible when you surrender to the fact that you don’t know the bigger plan, you only know what you are doing. You can only tune to your part in the play. You cannot know anybody else’s part, even if it’s your job to counsel, be an oracle or somehow read people. When I am with a client, I hear and say what I am prompted to. I do not expect to understand that person or their experience, even when I have an empathic experience of their memories or emotions, I am not privy to what they know as their own expert. I can only know what I am being told to do or how it makes to me so that I can do my job.
Often I am given particular words or phrases to use that only that person will understand and I will be abel to describe their sense of the world in eerie detail, but even this is information for me so I can do my job. It’s not a window into someone else’s life that means I have the right or ability to know what is best or missing or next for them. I can only know my experience of this moment whether I am in session (where it might look like i’m giving) or when i’m getting a massage (where it might look like i’m receiving).
This does not mean I am not grateful. I can still be grateful when I feel supported by generosity and gentleness or beauty. How I feel when anything comes into my life is grateful because I know that life is happening for me. Someone is late and I am grateful, for Divine Timing knows better than me. My pay doesn’t go in the bank and I am grateful for the experience I have (not the one I don’t have).
As a condensed expression of All That Is I feel many things, that is the privilege of linear time physicality. What I give-and-receive is inseparable. I cannot make two columns and divide my experiences into that which has been ceded and that which is gained. Just as the in-breath and out-breath are one, what I do in the space where others do is always my own and ours simultaneously. The trick is being able to see it…
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Last week I was instructed to write about the nature of service. I left it to focus on other stuff and then talking to a friend yesterday it came up again. “How can I serve others because I know when I’m serving others I am also serving myself” and I realised the ‘service’ thing needs to be addressed.
Service is big. One of those popular ideas we can all grasp that is designed to give us a sense of altruism and purpose. It’s like picking a ‘caring’ profession without actually doing the hands-on work. But how do you understand the nature of serving others?
I’m curious because I think the idea gets tangled in the language of exchange just like giving. See, if you give someone a present and expect gratitude then you’re not giving anything. You’re conducting a trade. To give is to be separate.
When you give, you believe there is an exchange of value. Something you have is transferred to someone who does not have. This someone is outside of you and the thing you transfer is yours to give. This makes you separate. When you believe that everything is energy, that you are energy, that life is an expression of the Infinite, then you know there is no exchange. There is only presence and experience and embodied consciousness.
The dance of energy is a constantly moving experience of this moment. There is no fixed address from which to give and take. You work to earn money to buy stuff that you own and choose to share in the language of exchange. From Oneness there is the experience of this moment with the props of life that enable you to have a stand point from within a living culture that is also constantly moving and in a dance where there is no fixed address from which to state one aspect is influencing another. The whole as aspects is dancing into new forms, new configurations of experience.
The whole on all levels – cell, organ, system, body, household, family, community – are all arbitrary labels that hold no real separation fro each is permeable and culturally constructed. The only whole that you can know is All That Is which does not exist in linear time-space so it’s not quantifiable in that sense. And if the only whole that you can know is not quantifiable then what is it?
How can you know where your senses start and end? How can you know where your soul connects to the Infinite? How can you know who is serving whom when there is no separation?
It’s this last question that I’m really curious about. For me the only sense of service is “how does this moment serve me?” Not as a future consequence or a lesson or a reward but right now. How does this headache, this student, this cold morning serve me?
I know you are used to seeing symptoms as signs of something you’re not paying attention to or of ways to be kinder to yourself but I’m going to tell you something about the new way of operating on the planet that does not make you wrong. A way that does not make you wait or leave you wondering how you need to bolster your self-esteem in order to get what you want is called Oneness.
There are definitely some changes to the system you’re used to. No more drive-thru lifestyle orders. No more enlightenment or levelling up. This Oneness stuff is pretty radical. There’s not even any right or wrong. Best of all, it’s not a convincing thing. You don’t have to believe it!
If you start reading and realise that you know what you believe (and it’s not Oneness) then go for it! Do that, have that, be that! Stop trying to follow other people’s instructions and stand in your own sense of what works. If that’s service as exchange, then that’s what it is.
But if you’re drawn to Oneness and know somewhere inside that it’s actually the thing that you’ve been believing all along (even though you followed other ideas along the way) then give yourself a chance to know service in a new way.
Service from Oneness
Focus is important. You have heard the spiel about intention, right? Well, intention is basically what you are intent or focused upon (not what you believe is going to happen or what you want to happen as a consequence of doing something imbued with the energy of your ‘intention’).
Wherever you are right now, you are focused on something. It could be the thing you want to learn, the fact you don’t know yet, the to-do list that keeps you ticking boxes so you can deserve to feel accomplished or worthy of whatever you are otherwise denying yourself.
What are you focused on?
How does that serve you? How does looking at the world the way you do right now, serve you? How does it get you what you want? Because somewhere that’s exactly what it’s doing. Your focus, your opinion about what’s going on, about what’s important in this moment is serving you by getting you what you want.
What you want is not what you wish for. What you want is to feel safe in a world that recognises you as a gift and values who you are (not what you do). You want this in the only way you know how to make this true. Money makes you feel safe so you focus on that. Big strong violent people make you feel safe so you focus on that. Being invisible makes you feel safe so you focus on that. Being vulnerable and needy makes you feel safe so you focus on that.
There are no rules that say you want happiness as a function of happy experiences. Most people focus on what gives them a sense of control. Making judgements on other people and being in a position of powerlessness where life is happening to you, is a comfortable control space. Your boss, the government, big corporations, the other drivers, the local council, idiots in general, are all given the power to decide how you feel. You want to know there is a reason, you want to know life makes sense, so you make up a story about how all of these things influence who you are and how you navigate the world.
“I can’t do xyz because …” is just one example. “I wish I had more xyz so I could …” is another. “If only that [person, job, car, system] would be more/less xyz, then my life would be …” is probably the most commonly used. It’s all about other people needing to change or other systems or objects needing to be different. What if nothing had to be different?
What if “how does this serve me?” replaced all of those pondering notions of control, so that you could focus on this moment as life happening for you?
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I dream about spiders. Some of that must be because I love them. They fascinate me. Gorgeous, unique and mysterious, what’s not to love?
Dreams are important to me too. They are insightful adventures and so much more. I dream in multiple ways on many layers in various languages. The spider dreams wake up loud with the call of spiritual task.
Spider Woman is significant to the Hopi, Navajo, and Keresan Native American tribes as well as Greco-Roman, Celtic, West Africa, and Gypsy clans. I feel a strong connection to all of these mythologies. Not just as a student of stories and perception but as a Spiritual Linguist.
There are things that can only be known from inner truth, that sense of being present to the messages you receive about something or someone in your consciousness. No flash of light or apparition tells you it is so, for an inner truth is more akin to the workings of memory. You know innately, as if you have always known and it becomes clearer as you relax into the memory.
This is different to empathic memory where you feel and see the experiences of someone else. Empathy is often vivid and disturbing especially your first episodes, whereas cultural-spiritual truth-memory is clear, expansive and mystical. It feels empowering, as if you tap into a magical part of yourself and the abilities that aspect wields.
Spiders remind me of a witch-like aspect who provides pagan medicine with a twist of magic, but there’s more. I see her look to the left, deep into time. Still and open to the knowing that resides there. An aspect that listens, imagine that. Sometimes it seems that’s all I do, listen.
This life, I have been given specific instructions. If you are drawn to the non-judgemental eclectic work I do, that probably means you are too. Given instructions, that is. We admire and despise ourselves when we meet our aspects in the world. It’s a great clue to deciphering what’s really going on. The people who really frustrate or annoy us are loudest because they have something for us. A message, an invitation to be present to your purpose.
But I digress.
The Spider is a weaver. It has variously brought light into the world and assisted fate’s path with charms and tools for the traveller. I feel this part of my role quite strongly. There is also dragon, bear, bird, angel, and other aspects to my purpose. Aspects that play just as great significance. The Spider is what gifts the individuals their ‘feeling loved’, their knowing purpose and finding meaning. The Spider is what ties the petals of life together and helps me re-write the story as an eclectic interconnected picture of how we think that we know what we know.
I also see a web of hollows between things where the gel fills in our consciousness. I know it has something to do with the Spider aspect. I know it feels like a vision of what is to come even though I sense it has been waiting for me. A picture available and yet not in focus until I tune to the station. There is nothing for me to do around ‘seeing’ or remembering except dreaming and deep listening. It is not a journey to something more sacred or purposeful in the future of now. It is a sharing of focus and colours and scent familiar and recognised by those who tune to their own lives as aspects of sacred and powerful memory as instruction.
I know there is a reason for the messages, for memory and dreams. I know that you long to decipher your life and all the indications to do what you came here to do. That is for the Spider to tell. The beauty of the Spider, for me, is that each person who comes for a session or drops into my life for a conversation is met with the sanctity of their own lineage. I do not need to interpret their picture through my own since I am connected to all stories as my own. That means I can be with your truth without comparison or fear. I love that. It feels whole and precious and magical. Each time someone opens up to me we go on an adventure into their web of being – past, present, future, and beyond linear time – and see the universe anew. It is a gift.
Soon I will write about tying the worlds’ stories together. For now I encourage you to check out Mark Nepo’s ‘Seven Thousand Ways to Listen’ if you are curious about the nature of perception as a memory, in a dream as this moment. I am also being told to mention ‘Women Who Run With Wolves’ by Clarissa Pinkola Estés. I did not think I would like it. I assumed it was a women are victims kinda story. It’s not…
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